Slow Transition
I don’t really think anyone will read this, nor do I think, if anyone responds to it, I will be able to reply to any responses, since I am reduced to typing this from the security of my unblocked email server and sent to Tumblr via that connection. But I will type this anyways, simply because I feel like jotting something down right now.
I’ve had bad experiences with blogging in the past, so I may be hesitant to put anything really serious here. Perhaps just a few tidbit updates of information on how things are going on my end. As some of my followers may know, and by some I mean a very few select number that took any amount of time to get to know me, I am almost twenty two, transgender, and I’m currently attending a school that blocks almost everything blog or social networking related, hence I don’t have actual access to Tumblr. I’m also an artist. Lately I’ve done three pages of a comic I hope to actually get through (again, something I’ve had more or less faded endings with) about being TG, and corresponding to society and the opinions of cisgendered and transgendered people alike. I live in a female dorm. While my dorm mates recognize that I am FTM, they don’t particularly take care to address me as such. But I guess I’m okay with it for now. Pretty numb to it in fact. I hardly notice any discrepency because I’m so used to this behavior and I’m just so tired of correcting people. At least for now, while I trudge through the increasingly dull and mundane days of school. Since I lost my position as SGA president, I find I don’t nearly have as much energy to care about many of the responsibilities I usually held, rather narrowing my scope of ‘give a shit’ to the happenings of my dorm as its president.
I guess the comic is more or less about this life I’ve been leading for the past year here at school. Essentially, there are four to six characters. It starts off with one of them committing suicide after thoughts of being alone. I suppose this representation personifies my frustration. I’ve been put on meds for depression, started yesterday. I’ve only ever contemplated suicide once, and which method would be best for a clean and perpetual ending, but I’ve never once attempted it or even wanted to try. Just a thought. I have, however, thought of hurting myself, roughly around the same time, caused by my dysphoria. Most of my insecurity in my physical aspect and appearance is due to my chest. I wear a compression shirt, however I am still so worried it’s noticeable, especially because it’s wearing out and I’ll need to replace it again soon. I usually feel that if I could change my voice and my chest, I’d be a hell of a lot more confident in myself. But again, I’ve never attempted any of this. Just as the main character doesn’t actually commit suicide in the comic.
It’s just a dream. A dream from another character I introduce, who embodies what the first character wants to present himself as. This second character then goes on (so far, I think, since I am still in the planning stages) to introduce the other two characters who are his best friends, and also TG. I suppose I should make mention that the school they attend is similar to the one I am attending, and this is all really a pun on events that have occurred in my actual life. My school is a year round government funded school for underpriviledged teens and young adults, aka, poor or in some trouble with the law. I often get asked why I’m here, since I’m so smart. I often reply, smart people are poor too sometimes. Lately it feels like my calling card, and lately it’s become increasingly more obvious just how of their leagues I am. I’m not sure whether I should feel disgusted or sorry or what. Either way, it takes a blow to my self esteem, again, because I’m really quite isolated on the bracket I label intelligence. A whole bracket to myself, shared with myself for as long as my former conrades have gone on to advanced. Where before I was among equals in a group, now I am, several times over, the brains and operations of many ‘underlings’, that both take for granted and abuse my authority and guidance over them. But when leaders are out of options, and there are no other leaders around, who do leaders turn to for help? That’s just a taste in to what my predicament has stewed up to be.
In any case, all metaphorical business aside (though I can’t promise that), I am on depression meds, my instructor has dropped my evaluation score again, and I am contemplating quitting many of the positions of leadership that I have obtained because I’m tired of everything. But, I got my advanced packet today, which is, essentially, my ticket to graduation. I should be working right now, trying to get my chapters done, but I felt like writing. For those of my followers who may not know me all too well, I write like this often, however, have not been so studious in my well mannered vernacular and syntax lately due to being ill of temper. Yet, I think Homestuck has reminded me of my place and interests. Funny, how something so small could remind me of who I am when I’m not drowning in a cesspool of ignorance.
I am not quite feeling clear of head today either. Yesterday I slept from 15:30 to 06:30, only getting up once to take a piss and realize I had missed dinner. I don’t know what prompted me to sleep over twelve hours, except that my head has been fuzzy, dizzying, and my hearing is a little muted. My vision blurrs slightly when I change focus point too fast, but today isn’t so bad. I’m wondering if the depression meds might have something to do with it, except, the doctor said they wouldn’t take effect for two weeks or so, to work through my system. So I don’t know. Maybe it’s my ears. Muted hearing could mean something wrong with the fluid, which might cause me to feel unbalanced, leading to dizziness. I’m closely monitoring my symptoms. But it still wouldn’t explain the sleeping, I don’t think.
In any case…. Oh, before I close this up, I guess I’ll make mention that my girlfriend broke up with me, which may or may not be the reason for my ill temper lately, though honestly I feel indifferent about it. Two days after New Year’s, she told me she would be expected to take over the family business, which not only means going to college for civil engineering would be a waste of her dreams and potential, but her parents are tieing her to Texas as well. Which means, either I move where my plans take me and she’ll be miserable, or I move to Texas to make her happy, and I’ll be miserable. All because her parents just dumped this family chain of businesses on her and she can’t leave Texas now. It was bad enough they’re traditional and would prefer her to marry a traditional Chinese boy (neither Chinese nor male-born am I) and they would have never accepted me, but they just crushed any chance of us being completely happy either. And as much as I was looking for a solution or trying to man up about moving to Texas or whatever else, I guess it’s too much for her to really accept, so, she broke up with me. More or less, go be happy on your own while I sit here miserable and crushing under the weight of my parents’ expectations. Again, I don’t know how to feel about all this. I guess maybe it hasn’t sunk in that there’s nothing I can do about this. I keep blindly searching for some message saying we’re still together and I’m currently on the trail towards a way she can uphold their expectations and be able to be free with me. But then, I don’t know if we’ll ever be free, since her parents won’t accept me, and I have my own baggage.
I don’t even know how to address it. There are so many nuances to perceive and interpret, it isn’t as simple as just saying that I also like someone else, well, still like. It isn’t as simple as that. There are many facets to this riddling and complex web I’ve always been a part of. Mostly I feel like crap, guilty, but happy, but not happy, upset with myself, and everyone involved, both ex’s alike and myself, yet content with all of them. I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense. I still harbor strong feelings for my ex, even while dating my now most recent ex, and I was content with that, being with one and just fondly remembering the other, but now that she’s broken up with me, the gravity of the situation has me reeling from the forces of its pull and the sincerity and weight of decisions that might pop up here and now and in the near future. Should I get back with my recent ex, and leave old flames alone, or make another attempt (further in the future, as it is too soon for me to think about dating right now) with the one I first fell in love with, which would inevitably make me feel guilty about the most recent? I don’t need this on top of my school related mood swings. I don’t even know what to think, or where to go next with my thoughts.
But in any case, I suppose this paragraph really is my last. I really need to get back to work, even though I’m sure I’ll just go back to reading Homestuck because I can hardly focus on anything of a more important magnitude. I suppose if anyone wanted to reply with advice or condolences or questions, they could always email me. kristophersar@live.com I’d put my text number down, but I really don’t feel like dealing with a lot of texts right now. So, with this, I’m out.
